Fiction, Comedy, Parody
1 min
How Not to Give a Mouse a Cookie by Jacob Shoup
Jacob Shoup
If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk.
When you give him the milk, he'll probably ask for a plastic straw.
But when you give a mouse a plastic straw in 2025 he'll probably get in trouble with the sea turtles advocacy group.
But when you give a mouse a plastic straw in 2025 he'll probably get in trouble with the sea turtles advocacy group.
When he gets in trouble with the sea turtles advocacy group, he'll need to rehabilitate his image, so he might have to hire a PR firm.
When he spends all his money on the PR firm, he may need to recuperate his financial losses.
To do that he might place risky derivatives bets on over-leveraged tech companies.
When the AI bubble starts to pop, he may need a bailout from the Federal Reserve, so he'll probably need you to lobby the government on his behalf.
You may discover that everyone else is already lobbying the government so you must resort to political blackmail.
This might beget the end of the republic as we know it, but the mouse has your kids, so you do it for them.
When the mouse's capital is secure, he may require you to continually up your game until the regime poses no threat to his status.
Once you've gathered enough Kompromat on all levels of government to rival that of Epstein, the mouse will need your help eliminating all remaining geopolitical rivals.
To do that you'll need to break the cryptographic defense systems of all the world's nuclear powers, so you divert all your influence and power into quantum computing.
Now that you're the first to achieve a machine with a qubit scale in the millions you can run Shor's algorithm and destroy the encryption that shields every nation's nuclear retaliation system.
With the deterrence of Mutually Assured destruction gone and the world in chaos, the mouse orders you to execute his plan to usher in the one world government.
If you give a mouse a global dictatorship, he's going to funnel it all into a godlike AI to replace mammals as the apex species on the planet, thus initiating the cookie singularity.
You hold your kids tight as history comes to an end.
Now you will never need to give a mouse a cookie again.
A Bronco Story. Submissions are from the Western Michigan University community.
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